Tintin’s Blog

What is Motherhood to me?

Hello world! It’s been a while since I last posted. I’m sorry about that!

As some of you may know depending on if you follow my Instagram page…I became pregnant with my 4th IUI cycle and my baby boy was born on April 22!

The pregnancy had ups and downs but overall was worth it and the traumatic experience I had with my daughter didn’t happen this time. Which I was very grateful. Though it was an interesting experience that I may try to write about when possible. I wanted to kickstart the blog again and talk about motherhood after infertility, talk about baking, getting healthy, day to day life, and eventually going through TTC for another baby or three (ha). I hope you all stay on this journey with me and if you need anything I’m always here.

A question I keep getting asked and what I keep asking myself is “What is motherhood to me?” That is a hard question to answer, but I can tell you what this now 7 month journey has been like for me. for starters my emotions have been a roller coaster trying to stabilize.

I first noticed signs of PPA (Postpartum Anxiety) around my friends birthday before she moved out of state. My emotions were flared more than normal and I had this incredible sinking feeling. This is something I hadn’t felt since I went through the journey after my daughter was born. I realized then that I really needed more mom friends that could understand what I am feeling and have that extra support. Don’t get me wrong, my friends are amazing, but only two have kids- One I am close with but her son will be 11 soon and the other its not that type of friendship. So, I signed up for the peanut app and have met some interesting moms on there. Hoping to meet them in person soon! I tried to put myself out there with a former friend and the effort/wanting of an actual friendship was one-sided so unfortunately it did not work out.

All of this has been happening as I struggled to find a new therapist and I have finally found one! Yay! On top of that we are making headway with my thyroid and hoping to start leveling my thyroid hormones which will help my anxiety. I am also looking into home work outs that I can do with my son so I can try to continue my weight loss journey (I am below my pre-pregnancy weight)! So, the not having a lot of mom friends to go to during this has caused feelings of loneliness and like I have a weight on me that won’t come off. My hubby has been great and doing his best to understand, especially with my OCD ticks from when I was a kid coming back. Thankfully I have bonded well with my son and it seems that things are slowly getting back on track with my anxiety and OCD.

Another thing I noticed is that everyone has an opinion of how to raise someone else’s child. I have thought about how I may not agree with other mom’s views on how to raise their child but as long as they are not abusing their kid I have no reason to say anything. However, that doesn’t stop others from telling me what to do. It’s one thing if I asked or if it was actually helpful but to tell me I am parenting my child wrong is just disgusting. When reflecting on this I think about how it happens with people going through fertility issues and the unsolicited advice I and other women would get. Like just stop people. To me, this is why fertility and parenting have become taboo subjects because no one is creating a safe environment to have a discussion.

On top of all of this my hubby has been working hard to look for work and I am hopeful something will happen soon. Though it doesn’t stop me form being a complete mess… I also have gone back to work and even though I want to work I wish I could do so from home so that I could be with him more. I hate that money is a necessary evil of this world.

Despite all of the stressors and loneliness, my son has kept me going. He smiles so big every time he sees me, snuggles me and falls asleep doing so, he initiates playing and loves to laugh. I am beyond lucky to have him as my son and to be with him every minute I can be. I started cutting out more toxic people in my life and have been really happy doing so that way I keep only the best people in my life and my little family’s life.

So back to the “What is Motherhood to me?” question….

Motherhood is waking up exhausted because you wake up to check on your son even if they didn’t stir. Motherhood is longing to be home to be with your family and to feel safe and comfortable. Motherhood is knowing that you are the reason your child is smiling. Motherhood is feeling like everything is chaos and yet completely organized at the same time. Motherhood is feeling like you are failing yourself and your family, but in the same breathe feeling like a super woman because your partner and child are so happy to have you around. Motherhood is thinking about all the adventures you are planning with your child as they grow up. Motherhood is having your heart swell with love and joy knowing you have a piece of you tied with your husband. Motherhood is being scared of screwing up but knowing we all make mistakes. Motherhood is knowing no one will love your child the way that you do.

So what does motherhood mean to you?

See you next week!
Mama Tintin

Update…

Hey everyone!

I know my blogs have been a few and far between but I have been having difficulty writing lately. However, I did want to give an update on me and talk about what I am doing to stay busy.

It has been a difficult road these past few months as now I am on my fourth IUI cycle and it has been taking a toll on me. Last cycle I ovulated so early that we couldn’t do the letrozole and I had to monitor my ovulation like a hawk. Thankfully I ovulated when the office was open, I took the trigger shot, and the next day we did the IUI. They did warn me that because I ovulated super early the egg might be abnormal. So I am trying to look at this failed cycle as a blessing even though I still feel bad.

Of course, it doesn’t help that the day we found out I wasn’t pregnant I open facebook to another pregnancy announcement. Or seeing people playing with their children. It’s extremely sad for me that I keep feeling like my body is failing my husband and myself. I talk about this in therapy a lot as going through this has been a bit of a roller coaster.

My husband and I decided to do IUI again this cycle but to prepare for IVF in the background so if this doesn’t take then we will try it next cycle. With that being said I got extra blood work today to check my Thyroid to see if there is anything they are missing regarding my hypothyroidism. Wednesday I go in for the Saline sonogram as I had the more painful version of it back in 2014 I believe it was and it was clear. So they are just double checking. I am most nervous for this test and the thyroid blood work as I am afraid it will come back with something bad.

I am trying to remain hopeful however, and read more. I was able to get books from the library and that thrilled me, I binged a show with my husband over the weekend, and played my video games. I got word from my doctors that I can take the Letrozole this month and they are increasing me to 7.5 MG this month. This is great news as this means I am ovulating normally this cycle. I am trying to remain hopeful that this cycle will take but I trying to not get my hopes up.

The hardest thing about all of this is that while I have an amazing virtual community behind me that understands what I am going through I don’t have anyone in person that does. My friends and family do their best but its hard for anyone to fully understand and sympathize if you have never gone through it yourself. There is a sense of longing and sadness every time you see your loved ones play with babies that aren’t yours. A sense of anger anytime someone complains about their pregnancy, the gender of their baby (like the one person I know that was happy to have a baby but sad she was having a third girl…), or when people complain about their kids. My friends care and support me and my husband but I always feel like a big let down to them.

This pandemic hasn’t helped me feel like I am more alone right now. My one friend refuses to see anyone even though she know my husband and I are safe. I don’t always want to text and she lives with two other people so I never know when I can FaceTime her. My sister lives in another state and its difficult to have her come here or me to go to her. One of my best friends lives in North Carolina. My other main squeeze AKA my Sestra as I call her, lives close but I see her on a very limited basis to try and limit exposure, in case.

Unfortunately, even when I talk to them or see them I feel like talking about it only brings down the mood and I don’t want that. I feel like I have failed them and my family/husband. I want to give them a niece/nephew or a grandson/daughter, and so-on. I want to see my family blood and chosen play my kids. I want to make my husband a father. He deserves that. He deserves to have his dream of having a family, of being the amazing father I know he will be. He says I don’t let him down but I feel like I do.

So, that is the update on me and my emotions. I am hoping to talk about my emotions more in therapy and work all of this as I prepare for another IUI cycle and the possibility of IVF. Let me know how you all are holding up and what you all are doing to get through your cycles.

Love- Tintin

What to Say Vs. What Not to Say…

Hi World….

I am coming to you from the end of my TWW of my second IUI cycle. I thought of many things to write during this TWW, such as, what to do to keep busy, books to read, and even movies/shows to watch. However, when visiting a family member over the weekend I realized what I needed to write and it really became more clear as I saw people posting on my TTC Instagram things they were told. So here I am with a post of what to say to someone who has been trying a while/is going through fertility treatments Vs. what not to say.

This post is in no way meant to be rude or hurtful but to be educational as this is delicate subject and unless you have gone through this you will never truly understand. Even people who have been through fertility struggles don’t seem to have the right vocabulary and that is OK. I am not in any way claiming this 100% right but it is a start and you can feel free to comment below and let me know if you think there is a better way to say something. Below is the list. I will give an explanation of why this is not OK to say in my opinion as well as what to say instead. Bold is what not to say and Italic is what to say. I will also have ones for miscarriage.

“Just relax it will happen” Vs. “I know it can be hard to relax in this stressful time but try your best to distract your self with things you love”

This really sticks with me as it is a constant comment brought up. Also, hearing stories about how someone stopped trying and that’s the minute they became pregnant is not what someone wants to hear that is going through this. While it is great for that person it is not great for me and all that does is stress me out more. Instead of telling those stories or saying the statement “Just Relax it Will Happen” try to offer to do things with them during the TWW, check in on them, suggest a show/movie or a book to help them get through.
“When God wants you to have a baby it will happen” Vs. “I am sending positive vibes and love for you that it will happen”

This one I heard over the weekend and it took a lot of hormonal strength to not be rude. This is one that I feel should never be said to someone. You do not know someones religious beliefs, so saying this statement hurts. Even though it can mean well it is best to avoid the subject of religion in this case if you do not know the person on that level. While I never say no to prayers from any religion being thrown my way as my belief is that as long as you are a good human you will get into whatever good place afterlife you believe in. That does not mean that I want you to say that this will happen when God wants it to. If you want to say you are praying for the person or the above mentioned statement that is a lot better way to go.
“God doesn’t want you to be a mom that is why you can’t have kids” or “God has different plans for you to become a mom that is why you can’t have kids”
Vs. NOTHING!!!!

These two statements have really blown me away. Truthfully they were not said to me but there are people that I follow on the TTC Instagram that have heard these statements. There is no better way to say this and it should never be said. These statements are cruel to the highest level.
“So, Whose Fault Is It? His or Hers?” Vs. NOTHING!!!!

This just goes without saying…

Miscarriages-
“Have you finished grieving yet?” Vs. “I am so sorry for your loss”
“At least you know you can get pregnant” Vs. “I love you and I am here for you”
This one really goes for any fertility situation as I have had people say this to me just because I had a baby and had to give it up for adoption…
“At least it wasn’t a real baby” Vs. Nothing!!!!
“At least you weren’t further along” Vs. Nothing!!!!

This is only a taste of what gets said on a frequent basis and it hurts… My hope is that this helps people learn better ways to be there for their loved ones going through this. Please comment below if you have any stories and please share this if you can! Thank you!

Love and Stay Safe- Tintin

Where I’ve Been…

Hello World…

It has been a bit since I wrote on my blog for many reasons. But I think it is time I dive back into the writing and let you all know where I have been.

So- at the end of April I got my Period, 2 weeks early, which was good as instead of it happening 8 weeks after my last period it happened 6 weeks after. I considered that a bit of a win. My husband and I then started an IUI cycle. He did his SA and that came back really good and I had my first scan and blood work on the second day of my cycle. They then started me on Letrozole 5 MG a day from cycle Day 2 to Day 6. I produced 2 eggs, took the trigger shot on May 12 and had the IUI on May 13.

I didn’t know how to post during the TWW as I felt if I did I was adding more pressure to it then I already had. I started testing out the trigger shot at May 15 and it seemed completely out of my system by May 21. On May 20 they checked my progesterone and that level was good and then on May 27 they checked for pregnancy. Unfortunately, we did not get pregnant. I found out as I was driving home and then cried to my husband when I got home. I felt like it was my fault. That I didn’t do enough. I felt like I let my loved ones down and most importantly let my husband down. He also felt like it could have been his fault. After grieving a bit we both agreed we would keep trying. This means a lot to us and I am willing to do what ever I need to to my body to make it happen. I spoke about it with my therapist and with my fertility doctor and they both said that what I was feeling is normal and that it doesn’t always happen on the first try and to try and relax.

My friend Jess also provided comfort when I talked to her about it which helped. She has been amazingly awesome during this journey and I love her so much. However, social media was becoming overwhelming as I am constantly being bombarded by other people’s pregnancies and children. It is hard and unfortunately unless you have gone through this or are trying for children now no one understands. I try to express to people that getting annoyed when I express that I blame myself, or saying “It’ll happen when it’s meant too”, or “Just relax it’ll happen”. Doesn’t help this situation at all. It makes me feel worse and makes me feel guilty for having any feelings. My mother and sister have been getting the hang of not saying these things but letting me know how much they love me and that they are excited for when ever it does happen.

So on May 28 I started spotting and May 29 was my cycle day 1. I went in on that day for the scan and blood work and they put me on Letrozole again to do from cycle day 3 to day 7. Monday the 8th of June I go in for a folicle scan and blood work. Though I am going to try and start Ovulation Testing Saturday June 6 to see where I am in case I ovulate sooner. I am excited and nervous all in one. My plan for this cycle is to try and relax more. I plan to mediate as often as I can, do things to keep my mind off of the TWW, and focus on other parts of my future that I want. I am however hoping that this cycle does work.

Part of my silence also stems from what is happening in the world…Covid was devastating enough and now this terrible injustice to George Floyd. Any one who reads my blog and/or follows me on my social media, please know I am an Ally. This is a terrible thing that has happened and justice will be served. I stand with you! I didn’t want to take away from the importance of this situation by posting something personal. I have decided to do it now and going forward please feel free to reach out on here or on my instagram if I can do anything to help!

I will be trying to post more in the next few weeks about this cycle of IUI, about the world, and things I am doing during the TWW. Thank you everyone that reads my blog and follows my journey.

-TinTin

Information is Key and Update…

Hi Everyone!

We are 60+ days into quarantine here in New York and finally these numbers are starting to go down. Hoping everyone is safe! I know I have been a bit silent on here for a while and I was kind of unsure of what to write…
Then I realized i just needed to sit down and write.

As most of us have been dealing with the pause on all fertility cycles it has taken a toll on us mentally and physically. With this pause I realized how little people know about fertility treatment, miscarriage, still birth, and even adoption. It really came to light when a mommy blog I follow on instagram was creating templates. She asked for suggestions so I asked for a IUI and an IVF one. She messaged me and asked for questions because she didn’t know what those were. Even my loved ones don’t know things, which is fine as they aren’t going through it. However, it made me think about how these things should be talked about more and not stigmatized. It should be talked about in health class when kids are in high school and it shouldn’t be silenced if people have gone through any of this.

Then I thought about how to educate people. Everyone does not have to be vastly knowledge about these subjects, but having basic knowledge goes along way. One documentary that is great for giving basic knowledge and ways to help people is “Don’t talk about the baby” I watched it the other morning and it was amazing! I did cry a bit but it was worth it. Another way is to talk to your loved ones and let them know what is going on tell them what acronyms mean and what the “cycles” mean for you and your partner. This will help not only get them informed but to also help you not feel alone when you need that support. I know we have our community on Instagram, Facebook, blogs, and YouTube but sometimes you need that in person connection and support.

At first it might not be easy for you to talk about with your loved ones, it definitely wasn’t for me, however once you do it will be so freeing. When I told my closest family and friends back in February/March what I was going through and what needed to be done they were beyond supportive. I gave them basic knowledge of what things are, gave them warnings of mood swings on the medication, and let them know when I was feeling a certain way. While they don’t fully understand my feelings as they have never gone through this and/or they are not at that point in their lives they let me cry it out, vent, and they let me know how much they love me. Also, opening up on this blog format and on the Instagram page have been so freeing and I feel better and more supported. If you need any help with acronyms please check out my first blog and copy and paste what you need!

A slight update on me and my partner…

We finally got word that they are finally starting IUI cycles again! So we were able to get a SA for the hubby and that all checked back well. We are getting ready to do a cycle and I am nervous but excited. With everything go on in the world knowing I have a job, we can start the cycles, and we’ve doing more to get our finances in order has been a total blessing. I just wish the world was completely safe and we could go back to our lives. Being cooped up has been good as far as saving money, spending more time with my hubby, doing things that make me happy, and working from home. However, not being able to see my loved ones in person has been driving me crazy. All in all, though, I have been doing OK. Been looking forward to the future and planing out things for down the road.

I know this post was a bit mismatched, but I do hope you all enjoy it. If you have any ideas of what I should write next please let me know. Stay Safe everyone!

-Tintin

Quarantine Life…

Hello World…

I was unsure of what my next post should or would be in this crazy time especially since I am supposed to be going in on April 7 to hopefully do my first cycle. So, I thought it would be good to talk about what this quarantine has done for me and what my plans are for the future.

For starters it surprisingly has helped me relax more. Even though this virus is completely terrifying I still have found ways to relax. Between face masks, deep conditioning my hair, catching up on my shows, playing video games, reading, and more I have felt my self become more intone with my feelings and needs. Most of my life I have spent time stressed about my feelings and finding no time to actually work on them. Over the past couple of years I have been trying to change that especially with possibility of being a mom and with trying to strengthen my relationships with my friends and husband. It has been a struggle but…my struggle with this has gotten better and this quarantine has helped.

However, this quarantine isn’t all about relaxing for me. I am still working from home and have school work. I have also found another way to be productive and that is with cleaning. I started the new year off right by going through the living room and kitchen in our apartment and cleaning it out of everything we didn’t need. It felt so amazing to cleanse and purge things. When we first moved into our apartment it was definitely a steal for the money and still is. Our bedroom is big enough to have a crib for a new born and can definitely help us save for the pregnancy and the first few months of the baby’s life. Unfortunately, we never got around to fully going through our bedroom and getting rid of things we didn’t want or need. So, since I am home I decided to start getting the bedroom ready.

This has really worked out so far and now we only have 11 plastic containers to go through then I hope to clean out the closet. It will be so nice to finally finish our place and get it up to par. Another thing I plan to do is try and look up YouTube videos to do yoga or workouts in my living room to try and stay and shape. With the fertility medication I am on I have been loosing weight and I want to make sure that I am getting into healthier habits to facilitate better weight loss.

Before I sat to write this blog I was unsure of what else I wanted to do with my quarantine, that apparently is until April 15…But then I video chatted with my wifey Jess and realized other things I want to do so I continue to make the most out of this quarantine. I plan to try and video chat more with my wifey, sestra Angie, my sister Lisa, play more games online with my good friend Jen, and call my parents a bit more. I plan to spend as much time with my husband as I can so we can watch our shows and quality time together.

Well that is pretty much it for my life in quarantine thus far. My next appointment with the fertility clinic is on April 7 and we are hoping they can do the necessary tests and we can start a cycle. I will of course write about it in the next entry!

Until next time world! Stay safe!

The Consultation and the Plan…

Hello World…

So those of you that have been keeping up with my journey, whether in real life or virtually, you know I had a consultation planned for yesterday March 17. Monday they called us to explain due to the virus that they were just meeting with us and nothing more, so even though I was a bit discouraged I still felt like this appointment would mean a step in the right direction.

The office for our clinic was so warm and welcoming, I was beyond happy that they took us in right away and was on top of everything. The office had this home style feel and almost every where you turned either there was a picture or someone wearing the symbol of kokopelli. For those that don’t know- Kokopelli is a fertility deity, usually depicted as a humpbacked flute player (often with feathers or antenna-like protrusions on his head), who is venerated by some Native American cultures in the Southwestern United States. It made me feel really good to have these nurses, staff, and doctors rooting for us and getting us to where we needed to be.

We first met with one of the nurses, who was beyond sweet and understanding. After that we met with our Doctor, he was a bit of a straight shooter and was very knowledgable and what he didn’t know he researched! My husband and I felt truly comfortable there and was beyond thrilled with how they handled us. Originally we were going to ask if they could write us a script for me to get the hormones tested as I finally got my period on March 14 and yesterday was the third day. For those that don’t know they like to check certain hormone levels on the third day of your period. However, the Doctor was already on board with getting all primary blood work out of the way and doing an internal sonogram on me.

The internal sonogram confirmed that I have very mild PCOS and so he increased my Metformin to 1500 mg. Some of hormones came back and they called me today to let me know my estrogen, progesterone, egg reserve, and others are fine. The only concern they had was my thyroid as it was higher than it should have been. So they have increased my Levothyroxine and recommended I see an endocrinologist regarding this so we have everyone on the same page. The nurse that called was beyond kind and said looking at these tests she is very hopeful that we will get pregnant.

Our genetic testing should come back over the course of the next two weeks and we are hopeful for the best. Though they technically couldn’t start me on Clomid until April they wanted to see how well the metformin and the levothyroxine work on me first. We both go back on April 7 for follow ups and more testing. They are checking to see if I have any egg growth and they will be doing the sperm analysis on the husband. Then from there they will tell us the next steps in proceeding with IUI and IVF. We hope to do IUI first and then if that fails try IVF. Our next steps however, depend on the Corona Virus dying out enough for them to authorize a cycle.

Until then I am continuing to work on eating better, loosing weight, taking the appropriate medications, and relaxing as much as I can in this crazy time. On the way home yesterday I cried in the car from joy that we made at least the finest bit of progress. As most of you can relate the want and desire to be a mom or in some cases a dad consumes everything in your life. So, when you get even the finest step closer to having your desire and dream filled whether it is the first, second, third, or even fourth time it feels like you have won the lottery, that the universe is finally tipping in your favor.

I will keep writing about my updates as I get them and writing other pieces in between as well. Please message me on instagram or comment on what you want to read about! I am open to researching and writing anything I can. Also, please do not ever be afraid to reach out I will always be available to be a friend to those in need no matter the situation.

Stay safe everyone!

Update…

Hi World…

This is a post I have been scared to write and I still do not have all the answers to put in this entry. This took a while to write as well because I wanted to take time to process everything and to tell those closest to me first what has been going on.

So, as some of you know or may not know I do not ovulate regularly. This problem started about 4 years ago shortly after I came off birth control and my husband and I were going to try for children. However, that plan was stopped upon learning that I have hypothyroidism. After finding this out we obviously had to get that regulated and then move forward. Thankfully my thyroid has been regulated for 4 years now but my ovulation is still not. At times I would ovulate normally and at other times it would be 4 weeks after my period. Most recently it has been that I am ovulating every other month.

I have been terrified of never having kids. To be completely transparent (well to a certain extent) I was in an abusive relationship and we had a baby together. I gave my baby up for adoption as I knew I didn’t have the means to raise them and give them what they needed or deserved. It to this day is the hardest decision I have ever made and I do feel like a terrible person. So, the idea that I will never have kids completely destroys me.

With that, I went and got my Pap Smear in November and a full physical in February. My pap came back normal which is nice. Unfortunately my physical and blood work wasn’t the best. A lot of my blood work came back in great shape except for a few things…

My liver test (ALT) came back 20 points higher than it should have been.
My urine showed severe dehydration.
My progesterone was less than 0.1

For the first issue I went to an imaging place that did an ultrasound of my entire abdomen as well as an echo cardiogram. The echo of my heart is because I have high blood pressure and she wanted to make sure my heart is OK. My cholesterol is perfect though so I have that going form me. Thankfully both tests have come back normal! The only thing is the slight regurgitation in two of my valves of my heart. With all of that though that is the good news.

Those results meant that the second issue could be the cause of that blood test being high as I have never had this problem before and my ultrasound came back normal. I decided to get a gallon water bottle of Amazon and try to drink it every day. Sadly, I have not gotten to the bottom of the bottle yet but everyday I get a little closer. I have even cut out juice as well just to add pure water to my body. This has also seemed to help my blood pressure go down as well. I just got the results of second round of liver blood work through the lab portal and now that test is 11 points higher. Which is good that is going down. I’m still nervous about it but I am trying to remain hopeful.
Side note: for my heart I have actually added CoQ10 to my vitamins as that will help with my cardiovascular health.

The third issue had me break down immediately as Progesterone is a key hormone to help with ovulation and pregnancy.

For those of you who do not know the full purpose of Progesterone her is a definition pulled from the Bitannica website:
“Progesterone, hormone secreted by the female reproductive system that functions mainly to regulate the condition of the inner lining (endometrium) of the uterus. Progesterone is produced by the ovaries, placenta, and adrenal glands.”
For a full explanation of what Progesterone can do click here.

Below are the levels for the progesterone and where they are supposed to be. The bold level is where mine seem to be in this moment…

Follicular phase 0.1 – 0.9
Luteal phase 1.8 – 23.9
Ovulation phase 0.1 – 12.0
Pregnant
First trimester 11.0 – 44.3
Second trimester 25.4 – 83.3
Third trimester 58.7 – 214.0
Postmenopausal 0.0 – 0.1

My Gyno does feel cause to worry as I am still ovulating. She is going to talk to me and my husband on Friday about how to get me to regulate my ovulation and to check his swimmers. My husband has to get checked because he has Polymyositis, to put it simply it is like rheumatoid arthritis, but instead of his body attacking the joints it is attacking his muscles. With that he is on medication that have a small chance of effecting his fertility, so we have to get everything checked.

We were originally going to start the IUI and IVF process in June/July, but with this turn of events it is best we start now. My gyno even said that our first transfer won’t happen until that time anyway as we still have to run the tests and get me regulated.

I know compared to most couples out there this is small, but it still hurts as I am sure it hurts all of you struggling. Every pregnancy announcement, every time someone says “just relax it will happen”, “it’ll happen when it is meant to”, and the list goes on…it just digs the knife in deeper. I recently had another love one post their announcement and I cried myself to sleep wondering when will I be able to make that announcement, when will I be able to grow my family, when will I feel that joy…
Please do not get me wrong I am so happy for them and so happy for anyone that is pregnant or has just had a baby, but I do have the right to be sad for myself and maybe even a little jealous.

I am hoping for good things and trying to stay positive through it all but it is tough. When I found out about my blood results I cried so much and felt so alone. I didn’t have anyone to turn to because I didn’t want to be a burden…But then I realized that my loved ones are there for me and I slowly started to open up to them and while they may not be going through this they assured me they love me and they are always here. They are my rock and I honestly wouldn’t be able to make it through this without them or the community love and support!

As I get results and make plans I will keep everyone updated and hope for that BFP in my future. Thank you to anyone that reads this and has shown me love I appreciate it more than you know!

See you in the next blog!

Things to do to relax…

Hello World!

One thing I have been trying to do and really need to do is relax. Between having elevated blood pressure that we are working on getting down, not ovulating regularly, and trying to loose weight, stress takes a big toll on these things. For me saying I am going to relax is easier said then done. So, I wanted to take time today to let you all know what I have been doing to try and relax more.

Disclaimer: This is not me saying to just relax and it will happen. I really dislike that and hate when people are like just be patient and if it is meant to be it will happen. This is just to let you know what I am doing to try and relax more and if you can use them great! If not then let me know what you are doing to relax.

Take more time to focus on my interests-
This is something that can be quite difficult for me as I am always trying to take care of others and do what they want rather than what interests me. So, lately I have been trying to take time to focus on watching shows, you tube videos, reading books, and playing video games that interest me. It has been working out for me for the past couple of weeks and has been making me really happy.
Have spa days either at home or at a place-
I have been making it a point to have one weekend day a week for the past month to have me time. That entails deep conditioning my hair, face masks, painting my nails, and doing something that makes me happy, such as what I mentioned above.
Meditation–
This has been a bit harder to do for me as I have been having trouble finding time and space to do this. I have been trying to do this at least three times a week. I typically do Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I just you tube different meditations. They typically focus on ovulation, relaxing, letting things go, healing, and clarity. When I am able to this I feel so much more relaxed and clear headed.
Going to the gym-
This is recent for me as i just got cleared with my knee to go back. I started Sunday and I was over the moon when I was done. It felt so good to me to be on the elliptical watching shows and getting in an hour of cardio. I missed that time because it really was a big part of me focusing on getting healthier and just focusing on me. Once, I have been doing cardio for a couple of months I will be adding in weights again. My goal is to go at least 4 days a week. I will be alternating between the Blink I go to and the gym on my campus. My weight loss goal is to see the inches come off rather than the pounds so that I don’t get too obsessed with the number.
Research more about how to get healthy and TTC-
So…this might make people more anxious but this actually does the opposite for me. By doing this I feel more prepared and ready to conquer the world. If I have questions I write them down and prepare to ask my PCD or my Gyno about them so I can fully understand. They say knowledge is power and this really is for me.
Spend time with people I love-
This last one is super important. One of things that has really helped me through this stuff is spending time and talking to the people that love. I mainly see my husband (obviously), my sestra Angie, and my best friend Jen. I try to frequently talk to my sister Lisa and my wifey Jess. I also try to spend time with my friends Matt, Mike, Rei, Kevin, and others to see the people that are like family to me. Spending time either seeing them or chatting with them is always super relaxing and helps make happy. Also, if I am ever in the need to talk to them I just reach out and they are willing to listen just as I am for them!

There you have six things I do to relax. Let me know in the comments or on my Instagram what you do to relax! Thank you for reading and for being supportive of me on my journey! On the next blog I am not sure what I will write about. I am thinking of writing up my work out routine and my mini haul of work out clothes or discussing the new books I have been reading. Let me know in the comments as well what you want to know.

Mosie Baby Kit Review

Hello World…

I am sorry for such a delay in my writing. I wanted to get this out sooner but life got in the way and then some news came in I wasn’t expecting. In a future post, I will talk about it…I am waiting until I have more answers and have processed it myself. Thank you for anyone reading this and for following me on my Instagram page for the patience, love, and support. I cannot believe I have over 100 followers and the overwhelming support from this community! OK…I am going to stop being sappy and review this product finally…LOL

To start this review I have to say I really love the personalized touch that they send after you place an order. The owners take the time to email you to not only thank you for your order, but to also wish you luck on your journey. They also have this wonderful treat that when you send them a photo of your BFP they send you a gift. This company leaves me with such amazing feels that I strongly recommend it to any one in the TTC community.

So, upon receiving the package it comes in a normal USPS envelope. Upon opening it the kit is this lovely Purple couple and simple. The box is very durable and compact which is good if you ever need to bring this on a trip for in home insemination on the go.

The inner box (that is pink) slides out from the main carton and has a flap leading to the contents of the box. The kit contains 2 syringes, 1 specimen container, and a thank you note/instruction manual. The synergies are sealed to keep them clean and sterile for use and the container also is sealed to keep it clean.

Overall this kit leaves great first impressions and gets an A+ in my opinion. I cannot wait to use this kit and will definitely let you all know how it is when we do. The current retail for this kit is $89+ Shipping and Tax. I know it seems steep as this kit is only good for a one time use, but it is worth it to try as this product keeps things more personal between you and your partner.

My only criticism is that I wish they had a bundle- for example, if someone wanted to buy 3 kits they would get a small discount and so on. Otherwise I strongly encourage the purchase of this item.

Click the link below to learn more about their products and to purchase this for yourself.
Mosie Baby

I am going to try and write another blog this weekend about what I am doing to relax more as that is part of my problem. I will also be heading back to the gym starting Sunday so another post will be about my fertility workout to get me healthier not only for myself but for TTC and Pregnancy.

Thank you everyone for reading and for all the love and support!