Hi World….
I am coming to you from the end of my TWW of my second IUI cycle. I thought of many things to write during this TWW, such as, what to do to keep busy, books to read, and even movies/shows to watch. However, when visiting a family member over the weekend I realized what I needed to write and it really became more clear as I saw people posting on my TTC Instagram things they were told. So here I am with a post of what to say to someone who has been trying a while/is going through fertility treatments Vs. what not to say.
This post is in no way meant to be rude or hurtful but to be educational as this is delicate subject and unless you have gone through this you will never truly understand. Even people who have been through fertility struggles don’t seem to have the right vocabulary and that is OK. I am not in any way claiming this 100% right but it is a start and you can feel free to comment below and let me know if you think there is a better way to say something. Below is the list. I will give an explanation of why this is not OK to say in my opinion as well as what to say instead. Bold is what not to say and Italic is what to say. I will also have ones for miscarriage.
- “Just relax it will happen” Vs. “I know it can be hard to relax in this stressful time but try your best to distract your self with things you love”
This really sticks with me as it is a constant comment brought up. Also, hearing stories about how someone stopped trying and that’s the minute they became pregnant is not what someone wants to hear that is going through this. While it is great for that person it is not great for me and all that does is stress me out more. Instead of telling those stories or saying the statement “Just Relax it Will Happen” try to offer to do things with them during the TWW, check in on them, suggest a show/movie or a book to help them get through. - “When God wants you to have a baby it will happen” Vs. “I am sending positive vibes and love for you that it will happen”
This one I heard over the weekend and it took a lot of hormonal strength to not be rude. This is one that I feel should never be said to someone. You do not know someones religious beliefs, so saying this statement hurts. Even though it can mean well it is best to avoid the subject of religion in this case if you do not know the person on that level. While I never say no to prayers from any religion being thrown my way as my belief is that as long as you are a good human you will get into whatever good place afterlife you believe in. That does not mean that I want you to say that this will happen when God wants it to. If you want to say you are praying for the person or the above mentioned statement that is a lot better way to go. - “God doesn’t want you to be a mom that is why you can’t have kids” or “God has different plans for you to become a mom that is why you can’t have kids”
Vs. NOTHING!!!!
These two statements have really blown me away. Truthfully they were not said to me but there are people that I follow on the TTC Instagram that have heard these statements. There is no better way to say this and it should never be said. These statements are cruel to the highest level. - “So, Whose Fault Is It? His or Hers?” Vs. NOTHING!!!!
This just goes without saying…
Miscarriages- - “Have you finished grieving yet?” Vs. “I am so sorry for your loss”
- “At least you know you can get pregnant” Vs. “I love you and I am here for you”
This one really goes for any fertility situation as I have had people say this to me just because I had a baby and had to give it up for adoption… - “At least it wasn’t a real baby” Vs. Nothing!!!!
- “At least you weren’t further along” Vs. Nothing!!!!
This is only a taste of what gets said on a frequent basis and it hurts… My hope is that this helps people learn better ways to be there for their loved ones going through this. Please comment below if you have any stories and please share this if you can! Thank you!
Love and Stay Safe- Tintin
Tintin's Blog 