Update…

Hey everyone!

I know my blogs have been a few and far between but I have been having difficulty writing lately. However, I did want to give an update on me and talk about what I am doing to stay busy.

It has been a difficult road these past few months as now I am on my fourth IUI cycle and it has been taking a toll on me. Last cycle I ovulated so early that we couldn’t do the letrozole and I had to monitor my ovulation like a hawk. Thankfully I ovulated when the office was open, I took the trigger shot, and the next day we did the IUI. They did warn me that because I ovulated super early the egg might be abnormal. So I am trying to look at this failed cycle as a blessing even though I still feel bad.

Of course, it doesn’t help that the day we found out I wasn’t pregnant I open facebook to another pregnancy announcement. Or seeing people playing with their children. It’s extremely sad for me that I keep feeling like my body is failing my husband and myself. I talk about this in therapy a lot as going through this has been a bit of a roller coaster.

My husband and I decided to do IUI again this cycle but to prepare for IVF in the background so if this doesn’t take then we will try it next cycle. With that being said I got extra blood work today to check my Thyroid to see if there is anything they are missing regarding my hypothyroidism. Wednesday I go in for the Saline sonogram as I had the more painful version of it back in 2014 I believe it was and it was clear. So they are just double checking. I am most nervous for this test and the thyroid blood work as I am afraid it will come back with something bad.

I am trying to remain hopeful however, and read more. I was able to get books from the library and that thrilled me, I binged a show with my husband over the weekend, and played my video games. I got word from my doctors that I can take the Letrozole this month and they are increasing me to 7.5 MG this month. This is great news as this means I am ovulating normally this cycle. I am trying to remain hopeful that this cycle will take but I trying to not get my hopes up.

The hardest thing about all of this is that while I have an amazing virtual community behind me that understands what I am going through I don’t have anyone in person that does. My friends and family do their best but its hard for anyone to fully understand and sympathize if you have never gone through it yourself. There is a sense of longing and sadness every time you see your loved ones play with babies that aren’t yours. A sense of anger anytime someone complains about their pregnancy, the gender of their baby (like the one person I know that was happy to have a baby but sad she was having a third girl…), or when people complain about their kids. My friends care and support me and my husband but I always feel like a big let down to them.

This pandemic hasn’t helped me feel like I am more alone right now. My one friend refuses to see anyone even though she know my husband and I are safe. I don’t always want to text and she lives with two other people so I never know when I can FaceTime her. My sister lives in another state and its difficult to have her come here or me to go to her. One of my best friends lives in North Carolina. My other main squeeze AKA my Sestra as I call her, lives close but I see her on a very limited basis to try and limit exposure, in case.

Unfortunately, even when I talk to them or see them I feel like talking about it only brings down the mood and I don’t want that. I feel like I have failed them and my family/husband. I want to give them a niece/nephew or a grandson/daughter, and so-on. I want to see my family blood and chosen play my kids. I want to make my husband a father. He deserves that. He deserves to have his dream of having a family, of being the amazing father I know he will be. He says I don’t let him down but I feel like I do.

So, that is the update on me and my emotions. I am hoping to talk about my emotions more in therapy and work all of this as I prepare for another IUI cycle and the possibility of IVF. Let me know how you all are holding up and what you all are doing to get through your cycles.

Love- Tintin